If you’ve noticed, we here at Bold Ride like to fawn over cars that we will never drive. Cars that cost in the hundreds of thousands and horsepower that would make a Saturn V rocket tuck its propulsion nozzles and head for the dark side of the moon…or somewhere that a car like the Pagani Huayra could not stalk it. (The Huayra is named for a Peruvian wind god, thus could not exist in outer space…dummy) But not often enough to we turn our attention to cars that are not worth the price of admission. In fact, there are some high-priced cars that are just lame as shit.
Hey, if you have the means, then knock your socks off (the ‘happiness’ in “Pursuit of Happiness” as decided by the supreme court was determined to be land and other items obtained through wealth. Capitalism, man). Just because you can afford it, does not mean that we can’t verbally dump all over the gawdawful $100,000 cars out there:
5.) Maserati Quattroporte: ($127,000-$135,000)
We give Fiat credit for breathing new life into Maserati with a performance sedan, but once the GranTurismo debuted, it instantly made the Quattroporte ugly and useless. It’s nearly as ugly and useless as the shitful Maserati Biturbo, and that’s saying a lot. Also, it was one of the cars routinely featured in Entourage. Need we say more about what a useless douche-saloon this car is?
4.)BMW X6 M: ($92,800- )
OK, so we are breaking our own promise about the price, but BMW is notorious for murdering you on options. Nav system here, heated seats there, and you are over that $100K mark, so shut up. More to the point, listen up. This is one of the lamest vehicles on the planet. Sure it drives well, but it uses a mountain of technology to do so, including torque vectoring, which pushes power to the outside wheels in a turn. You know whats better than buying a performance crossover? Buying an actual sports car. No one cares that you have the most expensive CUV at soccer practice. On second thought…
3.) SSC Ultimate Aero: ($285,000- )
So the Ultimate Aero is the supercar made by Shelby Super Cars (no relation to the late Carroll Shelby) and set the land speed record for a production automobile- a record it held for three years. Not bad, but not nearly as long as the twelve years that the McLaren F1 held the record, and Bugatti took the record back. Unlike the Bugatti Veyron, the Ultimate Areo gave up any kind of creature comforts, luxury features, or daily usability in order to obtain the record. Good job, now you have a car that isn’t the fastest in the world and is a pain in the ass to drive with any regularity.
2.) Hummer H1: ($129,000-$150,000)
Aside from being the vehicle around which every hippie on the planet rallied to end the onslaught of terrifically inefficient SUV’s. While the Prius was the centerpiece of this new green movement, the Hummer was the oversized, impractical turd in the punch bowl of an antithesis. Thanks a lot Hummer, for ruining the SUV market for everyone else. The next generation Pathfinder, Explorer, and Durango are all crossovers. Good job, douchebags.
1.) Maybach (Every one of them): ($372,500-$423,500)
The Mercedes-Benz S-Class is an out-and-out fabulous luxury sedan. I used to live in NYC and they line Park Ave like yellow cabs everywhere else in town. So why not stand out in that crowd with an overpriced S-Class that looks like a bad custom job from a Russian design firm that’s two years from going bankrupt (I’m looking at you Marussia). Especially useless is the $1,000,000+ sort of convertible Laundalet. Maybach is a microcosm of the idea that if something is expensive enough, everyone will go along and say they like it.