Just because I’m almost a decade removed from high school (that’s actually quite strange to type), does not mean that the high school student stereotypes have left my brain. I would press anyone to admit they don’t remember that certain clique or the harsh nicknames they had for classmates, even if they were not shared publicly. To that end, you could probably still describe someone from high school, in generalities, based on the car they drove. What’s that? You don’t hold a grudge like I do? OK, then allow me to delve into it…
Ford Mustang, Any year: The Jock
Likely an athlete. Probably football team, but could easily be baseball player too. Just stewing with faux Americana. Chances are the trunk holds a set of JL subwoofers in a poorly-made custom box. Might not even have an aftermarket amp or head unit to go with those subs. Center console likely filled with empty Skoal tins, and odds are there is a tribal decal on the rear window. Extra points for said Mustang being white, V6, or automatic. Full credit for any with a confederate flag anywhere on the vehicle.
Honda Civic, Modified (visual only): Budget Tuner
What’s that? You want a performance vehicle, but bagging grocieries doesn’t pay enough to buy that Garrett turbo kit you’ve always wanted? And you also don’t have any mechanical skills with which to install that setup? Never fear, because Auto Zone and JC Whitney have more tack-on aftermarket parts than you can shake a spoiler at! Spinning hubcaps- check! Non-functional hood-scoop- check! Underglow? Naw, but I can get a small neon light that runs off the cigarette lighter. That’ll get you a B- so “good enough” which is just about the way someone who would drive such a vehicle would describe their ambitions. Extra points for blaring ”Drake” from your stereo and thinking that makes you hardcore.
Lincoln Navigator, first gen, 98-02: The Rich Kid
“You made captain of the lacrosse team? Well congrats, sport! Here, take the ole’ Nav- the new wife and I are going to decide between a Nissan Murano Crosscabriolet or an Escalade EXT. The Crosscab is about $20K less, and we are going to need that money to put you through rehab when you become addicted to painkillers following that first broken collarbone. As long as you graduate, you’ll be fine- it doesn’t matter if you got shit grades. I still play golf with the Dean of Admissions at Yale. You’re all set champ!”
Chevy Cavalier, any year: Beauty School Dropout
Female. Counting the days until school gets out so she can work at her older sister’s hair salon. Would love to upgrade to a Pontiac Grand Prix GXP one day.
Volkswagen New Beetle: Barbie Girl or Single Female Teacher
This one is a bit of a quandary. Most likely female, perhaps on the cheerleading team (only if this is a Wes Craven slasher film set in high school). No- this car is probably owned by a single female teacher. Likely CD’s in the dash: Alanis Morissette ”Jagged Little Pill” and anything by Sheryl Crow. Extra points for NOT putting a fake flower in the holster.
Toyota Prius, Any Year: Mr. Science Guy
Science Teacher. Takes his leather briefcase into the classroom everyday. Hates you and hates life, but loves telling you how you are killing the environment as he digs his scalpel into a pickled frog.
Picture Credits: Gramercy Pictures, Super-Cars.net, Lincoln, Chevrolet, Comedy Central